Day 5: 30-Days to Enlightenment and Well-being

“Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche
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Day 5 Activities:
1) Mantra meditation
2) Minimum 30 minutes of calorie burning
3) Write down everything you eat and sketch your Balance Chart
4) Notice your speech patterns
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Noticing our own speech patterns can be illuminating into why others react the way they do us and why our desired results from conversations aren't always met.

Do you ever feel like you go around in circles in conversations? Feel like you're not being heard? Cause other people to become defensive? Probably all of us have had these experiences.

Never have I learned about something that positively impacted my relationships more than reading the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

I re-read excerpts from it whenever I sense a relationship is struggling...my copy of the book has tabs, underlines and highlights on almost every page.

I honestly believe that if everyone in the world followed the model for communicating from this book, we would ALL feel more fulfilled and understood.

The piece of the non-violent communication model that resonates most with me is this:

Use words that describe OUR OWN FEELINGS rather than HOW WE BELIEVE OTHERS INTERPRET US.

Our own feelings are non-negotiable, and indisputable. Our feelings are our truth. To profess how another person is behaving is ALWAYS debatable.
For example the difference between telling someone you feel neglected [which evaluates the other person's behavior and can cause them to become defensive] and saying you feel lonely and irritated [your OWN feelings that can't be disputed] may seem subtle and nit-picky. But it can have a HUGE impact on how others react to your feedback.

Here are a few more words that are evaluative of how others are behaving (how NOT to communicate):
betrayed
rejected
taken for granted
unsupported

And here are a few more examples of words that describe our own feelings (more effective way to communicate):
ashamed
morose
indifferent
bewildered
jealous
dismayed
More

Notice the difference?

For today, pay attention to the words you use to communicate. Are they evaluative or are they about your own feelings? What is your intended outcome of each conversation? Are your needs being met?

I highly recommend either reading the book or exploring the website fully. And begin applying the concepts immediately. You WILL notice a difference.

10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to
Internal, Interpersonal, and Organizational Peace


(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.

(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

(8) Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.


The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully. 2001, revised 2004 Gary Baran & CNVC. The right to freely duplicate this document is hereby granted.

2 Comments:

mona said...

i am amazed with how powerful the understanding about stating our truth and knowing the difference between evaluating others and stating our truth. i will apply this today

Nannette said...

Wow! Received a text yesterday from a gentleman friend and he texted, I am feeling a bit neglected and am pouting. This is so interesting because I haven't been able to put my finger on why must of hid communication I find disturbing. Thank you for opening my eyes to better understanding what I could not before. He is a good man and yet I found myself pulling away and not knowing why! Wow! KNow do I just share this powerful message with him or honor my realized feelings and act upon this new understanding? Thank you again for allowing me to join you on this 30 day journey, Nannette